What It's Really Like Being a Woman In Ministry

When I was three and telling my family that I was going to be a missionary, please know I wasn't thinking about the spiritual glamor (or stigma) associated with "full-time ministry."

I didn't know that there were rules -- rules that suggested women can't actually be married and be the head-missionary on a team because that's her husband's job (she can work on community outreach by hosting neighbors for dinner, though!)

I didn't know that women couldn't preach, couldn't be theologians, couldn't be theological professors, or couldn't even write bible studies without drawing criticisms and pushback of all sorts. (Who tells Beth Moore to "just go home" anyway?!)

All I knew in my toddler brain was that I loved Jesus and wanted others to love Him too.

It was just that simple.

Fast-forward 20ish years and the Mary Beth of today has learned many, many things about following her call into ministry -- it's been a gloriously humbling, terrifying, fun adventure and anything but simple.

Here's the thing, my sweet chickadees:

Being a woman in ministry is a choice women make that inevitably results in their entire world commenting on EVERY. SINGLE. THING. they do or say. When you choose to be a missionary, pastor, Christian author, founder of a nonprofit, or biblical scholar, you are inviting people to observe your life with a magnifying glass and a fine-tooth comb. (Yes, this is almost true for all women who choose the career path; yet, a Christian who also happens to be an art teacher or neurologist doesn't get the same level of scrutiny as a woman whose career happens to within the realm of the Church.)

When you're in ministry, suddenly you are "out-there" in the sense that whatever you do, however you do it, and whatever you say are all up for review. And people will have opinions about you. Oh my, yes.

Everything from the state of your marriage, to what you wear on Sunday morning vs. to the Kroger later that afternoon, will be up for public debate and speculation. If you get a $5 margarita at the Mexican restaurant on a Friday night, your pastor will know about it within 15 minutes. If you miss a day of work because you're having a hard mental-health day, people will whisper about your instability. How you parent, talk, dress, walk, laugh, problem-solve, and process information are, for some reason, suddenly all up for commentary, and none of us talk about it because we're just so grateful to be given a seat at the table in the first place!

We've been shut out of the ministry-game (outside of Children's/Women's ministries, of course) for so long, that now that we're getting a chance to play with the big-boys, we're too scared of messing up and losing our invitation to question why a woman will be handled much more harshly for doing the same exact thing that her male coworker does.

I'm going to give you a short list of ACTUAL REAL WORDS that have come out of people's mouth-holes to me over the last decade:

---Women can counsel girls and boys... but only until the boy reaches the age of 13. Then, they have to let the boys learn from a man because that's their actual spiritual authority.

---Women can't be pastors because they're too emotional to do the work well.

---While you have all of the qualifications for the Youth Pastor position, we'd actually like to offer you the Secretarial job as we believe that position is better suited for you.

---Your youth ministry sucks, you're doing a terrible job, and I just want you to know that I'm watching you.

(That last comment was from a man I'd NEVER EVEN MET prior to that evening!!)

As you know, I'm a member of a Facebook group called "Women in Youth Ministry" and I posed this question to them: What's the craziest thing you've been told as a woman in fulltime ministry? I'd like to share some of my sisters' responses with you, so you know it's not just me who has struggled.

• "I have been told very nonchalantly that what I was doing was non-biblical... I find it difficult to see my male peers quickly get the pastor title immediately after being hired while knowing I will have to search hard to find a place willing to call me pastor or minister. I also find it hard seeing them get jobs in the area right away because when I last did a job search not a single listing was open to a females, every listing in the county specified married man preferably in their 30s with children. It was so specific it made me disheartened."

• "There have been lots of things that have gone on over 16 years in ministry, most often male leaders being given opportunities (conferences, mentoring time with senior pastor, retreats, studies) that female leaders weren't offered. The weirdest comment ever received was when we were touring another local church's youth center (we were planning on expanding ours) with a group of staff and elders. I was one of two women present, the other being our Children's Director. We ran overtime and were discussing if we should continue the tour or head back. One of the elders came over to the Children's Director and me to say "Well, we know you two ladies need to head back to get dinner on the table for your husbands!" We were both stunned for a minute, then I (truthfully) told him "Well, no actually my husband is cooking tonight." We finished the tour and I had a really great dinner waiting when I got home."

• "I've been told a lot of crazy things. One of the most infuriating was a man in the congregation telling me... in the middle of a hug, mind you... that he loves to hug me so he can feel my breasts against his chest. Then he proceeded to hug me tighter. Not gonna lie, I punched him."

• "Another youth group’s volunteer told me, the female leader of my youth group, that my female leadership was condemning my students to hell."

• At seminary, one of my male classmates told me that I must have made up hearing God call me in to ministry as God doesn't call women in to ministry.

You guys. Women in ministry are judged much harder than our male counterparts. We don't have to be as good as the guys to prove our worth -- we have to be at least 10x better to get even half of the respect they're inherently given. We face sexism, misogyny, and condemnation regularly.

The Church has some deep-rooted gender-bias that we have to work through, and we can't do that until we start a conversation on where we're missing the boat.

The truth about being a woman in ministry is that it's hard. It's hard because we are out here trying to live like the God who walked on water, while we're walking on egg-shells.

It's hard because our brothers in Christ don't take us seriously, or don't come to bat for us when we need them the most.

It's hard because we aren't given the opportunity to do the work we've been called to do, and have been told that surely God wouldn't have called us to this work in the first place.

It's hard because different interpretations of Scripture gets used against us like a knife, when we are confident that Jesus has led us to do the work in the first place.

It's hard because people (i.e. even other women) will discredit our work with belittling comments and gossip about issues that have nothing to do with our ministry.

In the American church, we glamorize those who are in fulltime ministry. They're spiritual celebrities, towards the top of the You-Matter-and-are-Getting-a-Gold-Star-From-God Pyramid... so long as they are women doing strictly women's ministry, or male. Women pastors, writers, married missionaries, and theologians are often overlooked.

We have created a very small circle that women have been excluded from for one reason or another, and because of that, we are missing out on seeing Jesus move in big, beautiful ways.

(I want to pause here and say that I am very grateful for my church where I'm currently serving -- to be given the opportunities I have been given are nothing short of miraculous for someone who has spent the majority of her ministry years facing closed doors. I know I'm lucky, and that churches like mine are far and few between.)

Male and female both bear the markings of a Holy God. Yes, we are different. Yes, we don't think the same way. Yes, we can both be leaders and effective disciples. We are all created in God's image. Jesus knew this better than anyone! Think of His most faithful disciples: they poured fragrant oils on His feet and washed it with their hair, they came to the crucifixion and refused to leave their Master's side, they were the first ones that Jesus talked to after the resurrection. Women played a valuable role in Jesus's ministry -- they financed Him, housed and took care of Him, laughed with Him, learned at His feet. Just like the men.

I can be a pastor and a woman at the same time, and I don't feel as I'm dishonoring God or my calling by saying so. I can be a pastor and still keep Bath & Bodyworks Candles and perfume in my office.

It's hard being a woman in ministry. But it'd be even harder for me NOT to do this work because I know that it's what I've been called to do.