the Grace of God in the face of conflict.

Not too long ago I experienced an instance of conflict with a fellow believer.

I'm not naturally confrontational; in fact, up until recently, I'd avoid confrontation at all costs. I'm a recovering people pleaser, you see. I HATE people not liking me. Others' opinions of me matter a lot, and it's something I work on daily. The conflict I experienced with this fellow believer was hard on me, and triggered a nasty bout of anxiety.

Normally, pastors and ministry workers don't talk about these moments of disagreement because we're supposed to get along with everybody. But the reality is that those of us who work in the Church or in ministry face conflict more often than we'd like to admit. It seems that the Church is just as messy and broken as the rest of the world! Shocking, I know.

Anyway, I had been asked to participate in a great ministry program, but the local director and I didn't jive. During our initial meeting, they made some comments that I found concerning, so I decided to email them afterwards to ask them to clarify what they meant. This lead to them feeling attacked, claiming that I was "assassinating their character" which then resulted in an uncomfortable phone call where I was told (in no uncertain terms) that I was immature, inexperienced in ministry, and that I didn't know how to exhibit grace.

Ouch.

This conversation left me reeling because the truth was that I thought I was doing the biblical thing by coming to them directly and asking them to explain their troubling comments. It had taken a certain amount of courage to confront them too, and I thought by reaching out and asking for clarification I was showing this individual grace. I wanted to understand them better, give them the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to express my concern and then experience reconciliation so we could move on in Kingdom-building work. That didn't happen, though. And so it got me thinking:

Is grace still grace if the other person doesn't receive it? Or even acknowledge it as grace in the first place? What does it mean to live graciously in the face of conflict?

Here's what I've decided: Obviously, yes, grace is what it is whether we recognize it as being loving-kindness or not. Just as truth remains what it is whether or not we choose to believe it. Grace can be offered and rejected, or go unnoticed, but that doesn't erase the fact that it was offered to us in the first place.

Jesus continues to extend grace to us, no matter who we are and what we do. He died for all of us -- yes, ALL of us -- and through this, we are made right in God's sight. Jesus changes everything, and his grace that was offered is still offered to us, all of us, daily.

"But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." -Romans 3:21-24 (NLT)

Extending grace and practicing graciousness is tough, though.

When I experience confrontation or conflict, I have a tendency to withdraw inward and to shut down. I falsely believed that the gracious thing to do was to be quiet and take it, that explaining my side of things was wrong, and that by allowing the other person to speak their mind and hurt my feelings, I was practicing that turning-the-other-cheek kind of forgiveness. But this isn't graciousness.

Graciousness is not allowing people to treat you like a doormat. Graciousness is not popping off and saying whatever immediate, unpleasant, defensive response comes to mind when you feel wronged or hurt. Offering grace is the act of building a bridge when you have every reason to burn it.

When we find ourselves in conflict with a brother or sister in Christ, I follow the gracious words of Jesus -- “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother..." (MT. 18:15 ESV)

We must learn how to deal graciously with conflict, and strive for reconciliation even if in the end, the other party doesn't want that.

So, we come to our offender with the goal of sharing how we've been hurt, and with the hope of finding a positive resolution. We make "I Statements" instead of "You Statements." ("I feel hurt because of XYZ" vs. "You always do XYZ). We don't besmirch someone's character. We listen without judgment, and give them the opportunity to respond. We admit what we've done that may have made the conflict bigger. We remember that we can only control our behavior, and no one else's.

We remind ourselves that grace is offered to us over and over, an abundance, wild, overflowing of grace.

"Everyone has sinned, we all fall short of God's glorious standard." We live in a broken world with people who will hurt us, but grace, y'all. Always grace. Part of living as if the Kingdom of God is already here is living in such a way that Jesus would be proud of us.

Grace is hard and requires bravery, but we show up and do the hard work anyway because that's what Jesus modeled for us. The Spirit points to the hard work of setting up boundaries, asking someone to be accountable for the ways they've hurt us, and then extending grace even if it isn't accepted. Grace does wonders for you, both in the giving and the receiving.