Submission in Marriage?

Up until now, I haven’t talked about my marriage or my husband.

He’s pretty introverted, and hates attention, so I'm sure he's going to love me posting about him, for sure.

Devon and I met in high school, the summer before my senior year. We met through a mutual friend (shoutout to AM!) and the rest is history. We were inseparable to the point where my dad would refer to us as ”The Hydra.”

We got married the same year we graduated college, and have been married for three years in September (which is still hard to believe!)

Our marriage is not perfect, and we’ve never claimed it to be — though I will say, Devon is a rock who has always believed in us, and I am more prone to emotional fits of doubts and drama. (Shocker, yes, I know.)

Our first year of marriage was really hard for me. Devon was in grad school, I was working full time as a teacher (even though I was most definitely NOT an education major) and we were living in a very small duplex near downtown Jackson, MS. Most of my readers won’t grasp what that means, living in the center of Jackson. But my hometown is, frankly, a pretty poor and dangerous one. Jackson has 55 crimes per one thousand residents. A woman was shot in the head at the light in front of our house. It’s not a third world country, but it is comparable to the Wild West in many ways.

Year one of marriage was hard for many different reasons.

I struggled with questions like, “Did we do the right thing?” “Was I ready for this?” “Why is this so hard? Shouldn’t we be in marital bliss 24/7?”

“Is this because I don’t submit to Devon as head of house?”

For those of you who are not female or didn’t grow up in the Christian faith, there are exactly three verses in scripture that propose a woman should submit to her husband as the head of everything in their lives. All decisions and spiritual leadership fall on the man’s shoulders, while maintaining the home falls within the woman’s sphere of responsibility. (You already know I’m not naturally Martha Stewart, so it shouldn’t shock you that submission was not something I was instinctively a natural at, either.)

I convinced myself that maybe our marriage was rocky because we weren’t following the biblical hierarchy we had been taught was the best way to do things. But the truth was that Devon and I didn’t think about submission as being “the best way” because even though we were in a rough spot, we functioned as a team. It wasn't about one being above the other -- it was about us trying to stay by each other's sides.

We dated for six years before we got married, so we had lots of practice when it came to learning how to be good teammates. (*I'm not saying dating and marriage are the same thing, merely that as a "Hydra", we had the opportunities to grow, and learn how to consider each other’s opinions and thoughts, and place them above our own. We had more practice than some on considering each other's needs.)

As a team, we didn't worry about roles.

Chores weren’t just my job — whoever could do it that moment did it. Devon cooked (still does, TBH) more than me because the alternative would be either food poisoning or toast and cereal.

I was the breadwinner for us, working full time to pay our bills. Everything we did, we did as a team. It was Team MB & Devon. Hail Hydra. We worked well together because we knew how to WORK together.

We knew how to work for each other's benefit without worrying about who was head of who, and what each other's assigned responsibilities were.

If you are in a biblical hierarchical marriage, I am not here to question, challenge, or denounce that. I'm really happy that the "biblical model" is working for you. It's just not something that's ever worked for us, though. And it's not because Devon is weak and lacks faith, or because I am domineering and proud. We just function better side-by-side than we do any other way. We flow better, love better, laugh more, and communicate more efficiently.

We made it through our first year with therapy and lots of tears (from me. Because I'm the way that I am, and I can't help it.) The last two years have been so much fun because I stopped obsessing over how things should be. I was able to recognize what worked for us -- and that was two people, leaning on one another, holding each other up, and picking up each other's slack.

My first year was hard because I kept thinking about how things SHOULDN'T be:

I shouldn't be the sole provider.

I shouldn't have to live in this tiny duplex in this area.

I shouldn't be more vocal about my faith-life than Devon.

But in my fits of anxiety and stress, God whispered to me what I SHOULD: Mary Beth, you should be patient, you should be kind. You should not be envious, boastful or full of pride. You should talk sweetly to Devon, and not dishonor Devon, or think only about yourself. You should stop getting angry over silly things. You should stop keeping score.*

I felt a peace settle over my life like a soothing balm.

Marriage is not about power. It's not about each of us fitting into a perfectly molded box.

I love Devon because God first loved me.** Marriage is about loving on top of love, grace on top of grace.

Marriage was about loving my spouse the way Jesus loved me -- unconditionally, without expectations or agendas. Marriage was Ephesians 4:2-3, "With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

Devon was made in the image of God. I was made in the image of God. My marriage is about honoring God in each of us, and realizing that it's not about who does what, or who's responsible for what. I realized that my marriage was not Me vs. Devon -- it was Us vs. Our Problems.

Maybe this is information that you already knew. Maybe, you think it's blasphemous that I'm saying the "traditional" marriage platform didn't work for us. I'm not here to change anyone's mind; I just want you to know that I'm grateful for my sweet husband, because he's shown me Jesus in a thousand little ways, and I'm proud beyond measure to be a part of Team Dev & MB.

*Emphasis added, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5.

**1 John 4:19